Greetings internet, it tis I, the great and powerful Socks.

My mom and Dad are currently sawing logs. Well, Dad is doing his velociraptor imitation and Mom is watching all her reality tv shows. Sheesh, mothers, whatcha gonna do?

Anyway, Mom says that she's talked about my escapes here and I just wanted to set the record straight. First of all, it's tough being a "garage cat". I mean, sometimes, that food bowl in the kitchen is empty for a few hours. What's a growing kitty to do? I'm an adopted barn cat, so I know how to forage for my food. Mom says I'm a little vacuum cleaner. I've decided it's a compliment.

Speaking of Mom, people, we need to get her a job (isn't this picture evidence enough - oh the shame). She seriously is losing her mind. She runs that loud thing that sucks up all my toys incessantly. The noise is defening. It hurts my ears and well, I must admit to a slight character flaw. If it scares me, I'm going to hiss at it. Unfortunately, hissing doesn't seem to phase the beast. So I run. Hey, Mama didn't raise no fool!

Oh yes, I was talking about my wild adventures. The other day, I wandered into the kitchen to get some post lunch brunch and I noticed that the door wasn't locked with the key. Silly, silly Mommy. I love to jiggle doors until they pop open for me. It's a gift. I did a quick check and Mom was upstairs talking to Molly on the computer. I have to admit, that ticked me off. I miss Molly terribly and Mom sits and talks to her EVERY DAY! So, I waddled hightailed it down to my door and FREEDOM.

That door really isn't a challenge. They should get a better door for me to open. That one is sissy stuff. It popped open without a problem. After a few tentative sniffs, I tiptoed bound out onto the porch. I am kitty, hear me roar! I explored the driveway (boring) and then the yard. Suddenly, I noticed a huge fort. As I made my way inside, I noticed that Ollie, the sissy, had followed me outside. Sucker! I figured we'd play hide and seek. I tiptoed to the furthest corner of the porch and perched on a cement block. He'll never find me now. I thought.

Next thing I know, I hear naughty words coming from the house. Uh oh...Mom's spotted the door. I see Ollie rush back toward the door. Mama's boy. Not me buddy, I'm staying outside. Outside is great! Then I see feet walking across the lawn. I stay really still and hope she can't see me. After all, a good hider never reveals their hiding spot.

Unfortunately, I think Mom has played this game before because before long she looks into the fort and spies me. Then she's all, "Here kitty, kitty. C'mere baby." Let me tell you, I know my ass is grass. There is no way I am coming to that woman. She's high if she thinks I'll come to her. HIGH. I slowly squeeze through the hole in my fort and commence with grass sniffing. Have you smelled this stuff? It's awesome! I'm in mid-sniff when suddenly I grabbed round my somewhat large midsection and hoisted into the air. Damnit! She's got me in the kitty time-out hold and I can't even move. Curses!

Why can't Moms understand we men need our freedom?