I am stuck in Rub.y Pa.yne hell.
I work in one of the poorest counties in NoVA or so I have been told. That's fine with me, poor kids still deserve a good education. Out of all the elementary schools, evidently I work at the poorest. Again, poor kids deserve a good education. I have a wonderful group of children. I can't imagine any "rich kids" being more compassionate, caring, or thoughtful. That being said, some days it pisses me off that we consistently lower our standards for these kids.
According to R.uby Pay.ne (or Ru.by Pay.ne according to my administrators), students should not be expected to complete homework. If in the event you give students homework, it should not be part of their grade and they should be given time in school to complete it.
`Scuse me?
So far, I'm bucking the system on that one, to a degree. My math kids have homework from time to time. They are rewarded for doing it, but not punished. That being said, the kids who have done the two digit by two digit multiplication and long division homework actually understand 2 x 2 multiplication and division. Wonder of wonders!
There are lots of statements I've heard from Rub.y Payn.e that make sense. I've seen it.
For example, in families of "poverty" the priority to make sure your child has a PSP, an iPod, and a cell phone even though you can't pay your bills. My mother taught me you pay your bills first, then you can get non-essentials. Call me crazy!
I just don't see how making excuses for these kids is going to do to help them in life. Nothing is done about chronic absenteeism instead we celebrate those who come to school all the time. Whatever happened court dates for children who miss too much school? People look at me like I'm crazy here. Get your butts to school. Period.
What kills me is all the excuses we make for these kids and then we have a meeting and are basically told, "you can have 12 kids fail" their state test and still make AYP. You have GOT to be kidding me. At least 50% of the 4th grade is below grade level. Most are improving, but I don't see some miraculous pass rate coming in. Why do I have students reading at a 2nd grade level, yet are supposed to pass their state test because they did it in 3rd grade? Something is not right.
When does Ru.by Pay.ne's work stop being an excuse and start to help these kids? Why are we not challenging these kids? Who is failing who around here? I'm not sure it's them that's failing me. I think it's the other way around.
If today's educational system doesn't do some changing we're going to lose some kids. Kids are falling through the cracks and I can't catch all of them.
While my kids' first movie finishes saving I thought I would pop in here for a quick hi.
This week is going well. The school carnival is over (what a long day). I had a relatively nice day today, so I'm in a good mood. Smarty made my day as we lined up to go home. Check out her quote over in the left top corner.
First quarter tests are coming up and I'm getting nervous. It's like the dang state tests four times a year! Sheesh! Conferences next week. In-laws this weekend. Eep!
How is everyone else's week?
Yes, I'm still here. Hanging by a thread.
You know that graphic they show every first year teacher about the stages first year teachers go through? Well, I think I'm ahead of the game.
I hit Survival really quickly and I'm coasting at, what feels like, jet speed into Disillusionment. People keep throwing papers and meaningless testing at me. Things I "have to do" yet, we don't use for anything. I hate doing assessments just because everyone does them. Couldn't we get some more definite reasons why I have to give these tests?
Plus, I'm supposed to test kids during class. Uh, yeah, not gonna happen. I have one of the lower classes and they constant supervision. They're not bad, they just get into trouble when they're not perpetually busy.
Everyone is busy, so it's not just me. However, no one can seem to take a second to explain things to the new teachers. Just because you're familiar with how to give the Smith test, doesn't mean I am. Don't even get me started on W.ords Their W.ay. I think it's ridiculous to spend hours and hours planning for spelling when it's only 15 minutes (at best) of my reading block. I don't have time to piddle around with spelling.
Speaking of reading class, that one is keeping me up at night. Right now, I have a really good group. I have a mix. They're all below grade level so I chose a 3rd grade book to read as my reading instruction. It seems to be going well. They're comprehending and everything (who woulda thunk it?). That being said, Monday they're switching up my group. I'm getting anywhere from 5 to 10 new kids and sending a few up or down. I'm terrified I'm going to be stuck where the other new teacher is - with a "wild" group of kids and no curriculum because they're all so far below grade level. Add to that the fact that none of my kids qualify for Title I services so I can't get any help for my kids and I'm scared.
Luckily, I have a friend in the same boat. I'm so glad there are 2 new 4th grade teacher. I don't know what I'd do if everyone else had their shit completely together and I was the only one struggling. As I told my friend last night, I'm a great actor. I may act like I've got everything together, but on the inside, I'm drowning. All I'm trying to do right now is keep my head above water.
My house is a mess and we're hosting a party at the end of the month. Laundry is backed up. My car is mess. I've got piles and piles of papers to grade. I don't have time to cook therefore we eat junk and expensive junk at that. I bet I've gained weight since school began not lost it like my colleague. Have I mentioned money woes? I did exactly what I figured I would do. I got lax about keeping track of the money we spent and thus Quicken is out of date and I have no idea where our bank balance is currently teetering. If the rough numbers I put in tonight at right, we're in trouble for the next week and a half. Time to start cleaning out the freezer! I really should just stop eating. I'd be saving money AND losing weight. Two birds with one stone.
Pay also really bums me out. Between insurance, NEA dues, 403(b) withdrawls, and random taxes over half of my check is deducted. $1000 a month (give or take) sure seems like crappy pay.
Bottom line. I'm really missing my mom right now. She could be such a huge help to me in the classroom. LMK tries to help and he's a good guy to have around (Except when he says, "Well, you knew you'd be busy and have to put in a lot of time when you went into this career." Not helping, honey.).
I just feel so lost. So tired. So overwhelmed. So inferior.
How is your week going?
After school today, I grabbed my gear and raced out of the building so I could make it to LMK's soccer game this afternoon. The first one I've been to all year! Of course, I think I left some book order money at school. At least, I hope it's at school. Otherwise, I've lost it and that's just a whole kettle of fish I'm not ready to open right now. I'll worry myself an ulcer this weekend and find it first thing Monday.
LMK's game was pretty darn good. The guys played well and even though they only tied, it was a great game to watch. Yaaaaay, team. That being said, LMK has had quite a week. When I met him after the game, we immediately got into a conversation about soccer, his job, and his department head (**cough, cough** jack ass **cough, cough**). My usually observant husband never asked me about my day. So dear blogging world, you get to hear about it instead.
One of my kiddos has been diagnosed with OCD. I'm not surprised at all. This student walks around with his arms up so that he doesn't have to touch anything, washes his hands constantly, and won't eat his lunch if he thinks someone looked at it crossways. They put him on a medication and all I can do is hope it makes a difference for the best. His mom doesn't know just how closely I've dealt with mental illness. I'm grateful I can be his teacher. Just another reason I had to get through LMK's illness. Maybe I can help this student.
My new student is proving to be quite the behavior problem. Yesterday, I sent home detention slips with him and another young thug-in-training (do the abbreviation.....ahahahaha, ok, moving on) because they were caught where they aren't allowed when they were to be at breakfast plus some other misbehavior here and there. I threatened them with loss of recess until I got the forms back and both showed up today. I no more than saw those than the principal came to get them, again.
Evidently, they've been "stealing" food in the cafeteria. I use the word stealing loosely because the aides have been allowing them to eat whatever food is left on the trays that are "pushed to the middle of the table". They're putting the kabosh on the food free for all, but the principal investigated further. My two darlings basically told her they're just hungry. Lunch isn't all that impressive - a protein and 2 pieces of fruit/sides. It's all to common in this country. One goes home to ramen noodles shared with two teenage brothers and the other doesn't have much either. Since our lunch is very late, we've been allowing the students to bring snack.
Well, now we have to have snack for the entire class. The principal made the comparison of inviting someone to your home, eating, and not letting them have any. I can understand that, but here's the problem.
Just where do I draw the line at providing for these kids?
I already provide notebooks, composition books, pencils, crayons, markers, science supplies, books, etc, etc, etc for the students who need them. It's a common teacher lament, I know. Now I'm supposed to get enough snack for the class, too?
Luckily, the principal is aware of the financial strain that causes and is looking into ways to supplement the snack, which I appreciate. Half of me feels sorry for these children. That's all they are afterall, children. I never had to sit through school and be hungry. They shouldn't have to either. No child should have to be hungry.
That being said, they are in trouble constantly. Constantly. Every class, the teacher is telling me how they were misbehaving. They don't do it in my class because I've come down on them. Hard. I'm even pulling out the "I'm so disappointed in you" speech. So I spend my day vacillating between wanting to strangle them and wanting to bring them home and "save" them from this horrible life.
In other news, I finally got a smart board in my room. It's not mine, I'm using one of the one's the school has for teacher's to checkout. I love it! How did I ever teach without this thing? How will I teach when they take it back? It's the bestest toy - EVER! There is so much I want to do with it. I'm already doing my morning journal on the Smart Board. The kids love to come up and correct sentences on it. Today, I found a spelling game where the kid's can click and drag computer magnets. I love technology.
Add to that new teacher responsibilities, house responsibilities, LMK's school responsibilities, and family responsibilities and I'm just zonked. No wonder so many teachers quit in the first three years!
Hand in hand with all the "bad" things about teaching are the good things. I like to think I'm pretty strict with my students regarding behavior. I expect them to be leaders in the school and make good choices. Nine out of ten of them live up to that. Then there are the kids who live to please you. The silliness. The laughter and the learning. The hugs - except from Touchy Feely Kid, I don't want to have my boobs nuzzled like my colleague. Eek. Teaching is the hardest, longest, best job I've ever had. I just can't wait to feel like I'm doing it well, not just acting like a teacher.
Thanks for reading through all this, if you're still here, I needed to share it with someone. Have a great weekend!
Well, after almost 60 hours spent at school this week I am finally home! Tuesday was Open House until 8. Wednesday was staff development until 5. Thursday was new teacher stuff. Add meetings every day during my supposed break and I'm sick and tired of school.
I stayed until 6 tonight to get my lesson plans done. I'm very excited about them. They're my best ones yet. They won't make it until next Friday, but darn it, I hope one of the administrators comes in to observe me on Monday (I've gotten informal observations every week so far). I'm ready, dag nabbit!
Highlights of the week:
Had my first fight Tuesday. One of my kids got punched in the face by one of the other new 4th grade teacher's kids. Suspensions all around and the parents of my kid are pressing charges. Good for them!
As I was leaving tonight at six o'clock I ran into the new 1st grade teacher. "Oh, I figured I was the only one here." I commented. Then New 3rd Grade Teacher walked in. Soon after New Music Teacher arrived. Yep, the new people were the only ones left at school - and no wonder with all the meetings we've had this week. Sheesh.
I've got a grade full of five finger bandits. I caught three of them stealing candy from me on Tuesday. Want to know what makes Mrs. cuss like a sailor? Stealing. LMK will attest that I dropped a lot of F-bombs that evening. Today, someone stole another student's snack. They're gonna push me too far and then be in a world of hurt.
One of the other 4th grade teachers leaves as soon as the bell rings and takes nothing home with her. What am I doing wrong!?
I still feel like I'm floundering. I guess that's how I'm supposed to feel. New Fourth Grade Teacher feels the same way only she's got a cold, too. She's really down. It's no wonder so many teachers quit in the first 3 years. Good gravy.
I'm kind of annoyed because the two new teachers have the low reading group and then we have the opposite grouping for math. Sounds fair, right? Wrong. Our reading textbook is too hard for our kids. So we're having to dig up resources just to fill our 45 minutes of reading and spelling. Yes, you read that right, 45 minutes. Good luck getting anything accomplished in that amount of time. Even if we had the low math kids, we'd still have a textbook to use. Right now, my kids are doing a book study (which means I'm sure they'll fail their first quarter district test) and the other teacher is just trying to get her kids to read. I'm sorry, it just seems like we got the short end of the stick.
How was YOUR week?
I made it through my first week of teaching.
Holy hell.
Bullets are a must!
- The first day went well. In fourth grade, most of the kids are still excited about being back in school. If you're nice to them, they'll love you. I also showed them my All About Mrs. movie, which they loved. Some of my kids have seen it 6 times and still ask to see it again. I call that a success. They really just love seeing the pictures of the cats, but I'll take it.
- I have a student that goes to the beach every year the first week of school. Mom asked me for homework a week before school started. I didn't have the heart to tell her I was taking things hour by hour and planning the second week of school, uh, not gonna happen. The first day of school she arrives early and asks if I have her daughter's homework ready. Uh, no. Just trying to make it through the day. "Well, we're leaving on Friday!" Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll get something to you. I got homework around Wednesday night, it'll just have to work. Good enough for government work.
- Another student suffers from a medical condition that makes him throw up randomly. Uh, I don't do throwing up. Luckily, there haven't been any problems...yet.
- Same student's parent asked that I refrain from giving him candy. Fine. I can understand that, especially with a kid with ADHD. HOWEVER! Every day, he has brought a different kind of candy from home. What the hell!? I can't give him a jolly rancher, but he can bring a container of Warheads with him? He's also the only one bucking the water bottle rule. My kids can have a water bottle with water in it. I told them, no powdered drink mixes for the water. Just water. First day, he brings Gatorade. I told him it has to be just water. "Okay, Mrs." he replied. The next day, he brings fitness water. Flavored fitness water. For the love of Pete, water. W-A-T-E-R.
- We've already got a problem parent. The kicker? She's another teacher in my school! Our team decided as a "goal" 4th graders have to know their multiplication tables. Since it's a 3rd grade standard, we figured that's fair. We are going to give timed multiplication tests at least once a week. To "pass" you have to get at least a 90% three times. If you don't know your times tables, you can't get an A. I think that's fair. Thoughts? She went to the administration about it. Too bad it was the administration's idea. Heh.
- For the first week we had to eat lunch with our children. Oy.. Vey. The kids love it, but really, I'd like a few moments to myself. They're going to be sad next week when Mrs. leaves them in the lunchroom and goes to put her head down on her desk.
- Friday just about killed me. I think I've mentioned my 0 tolerance of heat, right? Well, I get to school on Friday and the air conditioning in the fourth grade wing isn't working. WHAT!? They call the repair guy and I figure we'll just deal. I've got a fan, we'll survive. By lunch we were melting. I finally felt the air kick at 2:30. The kids leave at 3. Did I mention the bank clock said it was 108° today? I told the office I was seriously considering getting the personal air conditioners I saw at T.arget. I'd just take it with me wherever I went.
- Don't tell the other teacher's on my team, but I think I got the best classes. How do I know? Well, yesterday I had the team leader's class for science. Oh. my. goodness. It was bedlam! He has all the inclusion kids in his class and it was...in a word, bedlam. The special ed teacher was there as a co-teacher to help and that's the only reason I made it through the class. He's talking about having to teach another class during the afternoon. I told him after school, "Please, please don't leave me alone with these children. PLEASE!" He laughed. When is a good time to tell him, I'M NOT KIDDING!
- My homeroom is great. Sure, they get squirrelly. They're 9! However, they listen and they're kind. I'll plan four different subjects, just let me keep my own kids! After team leader's kids yesterday afternoon I love my homeroom!
- I was talking to Mo Mom about the bedlam in my room yesterday and she laughed and said, "Oh, it's like a class full of Wild Childs" (Wild Child is another nickname for her middle daughter). I told her she needed to go hug that little girl and tell her how wonderful she is because I would take a class of Wild Childs over this class, any day.
Since I'm being a bad blogger and not checking in much, I'm shocked that Misty would think of me. Misty is the artist formerly known as Molly here on my blog. She's one of my best friends, even though she followed her husband, my cousin, to Missouri. He's a big goober, but she's great. I wonder if they'd allow me to swap him for her in the family department. Hmmm, something to ponder.
Anyway, thanks Misty for my two awards. I've never gotten an award before so I'm thrilled.
What's new at school, you ask? I'm trying to make it through the day without officially losing my shit. That is all. :)
First, thank you all for your wonderful words of support. They mean a lot. It's nice to hear them. And a special thanks to Mike. My teacher friend will be thrilled to get some sort of answer to our burning Swedish question.
Today was a better day. Mainly because I went to school today with the attitude that it was going to be a better day. It actually helped. It also helped that I wasn't bombarded with paperwork. Good gravy the trees we're killing! I stayed late tonight (until 7) and put a lot of stuff away in my room. I'm finally less stressed about the room looking and being ready for Open House next week. I'm meeting the other new teacher at school on Sunday so we can work in our rooms for a while. Hopefully, I will be ready at that point. I'm hoping to be able to enjoy Labor Day weekend with the in-laws.
Regarding mentors: Yes, I have a mentor. He's also my team leader and a really great guy (except for a huge character flaw of hating cats). I've talked to him some about the mean teacher and he's assured me it's not personal. She's just dingy. That being said, they're also friends since she was on the team last year. So, I don't want to say too much because I don't know who to trust yet.
Well, write it down. It only took them a week to break me. Technically, half a day.
Today was our back to school orientation. The paperwork. The meetings. The training. Everyone I meet is handing me papers and telling me what I should do with them. I've met what seems like hundreds of new people. My room isn't ready. The psycho in my room before me is a bitch. No other word for it. Planning has me so terrified I don't know where to begin. And school is starting soon!
First, the psycho drama. Last night, she came into my room and disconnected the dvd/vcr combo. It was hers and it's fine that she took it. I would have liked to have been told she was going into my room, but whatever. She left the vcr that was in her room on my counter. Not hooked up, not plugged in, and with a dvd that I had accidentally left in the other player tossed on top. I feel completely violated. Who knows what else she's come in and taken. Be an adult and come to me and say, "I accidentally left my dvd/vcr here, can I switch them?" I'm not going to say no.
LMK urged me to lock my room at night when I leave. Great idea, honey! There's just one problem. She hadn't turned in her key for that room. That's right, she had my key all summer! The secretaries cornered her today and got it back, but what the hell.
The other problem is I spend every day feeling completely stupid. I swear, everything I learned in college is gone. GONE. Now I have diagnostic tests to give that I have never heard of while I have students in the room. How do I take one kid to the hall to administer a test while I have 25 others sitting in the room. Number one rule of teaching - never leave them alone!
Everyone on my team has such great, creative ideas. Most of the time I feel like a bumbling fool. They explained how we were dividing kids up today. Everyone is furiously scribbling text scores and I'm still trying to figure out how exactly to do it. I feel like it takes me a second (ok several minutes) longer than everyone else to pick things up. I feel like I'm always scrambling to catch up. Lesson plans? I have no lesson plans, I have no idea where to even start planning.
Everyone keeps telling me how great I'm going to be. Well, I'm not so sure. I spend the day feeling inferior and trying to catch up. I know I'm putting a lot of unneeded pressure on myself and I know it. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't want to look weak. I don't want people to look at me and think, "Why did they hire her?" But I wonder that every day.
To add insult to injury, we watched a really cute video today and it was about a school near my hometown in Ohio. (Near as in - my dad attended high school there) As I'm watching the video it hits me. This is not where I expected to be starting my teaching career. I wish I was in my old district, where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. Worst of all, I miss my mommy. She'd know what to do. She'd be helping me and giving me advice and I wouldn't feel so alone.
The saga, coupled with my other feelings were just too much. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who got lunch with me and "talked me down". We're good for each other.
When I thanked him tonight, he told me that he would have never gotten through his first few months of teaching without me telling him he would be fine and he was doing a good job. He said he was going to do the same for me. At that point, I laughed and told him, "The difference is, I know you're lying." Even he had to laugh at that.
Well, new teacher in-service is almost over. I must admit, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. At times, it's almost fun. If you ignore all the get to know you games that I hate and the group work. Each day there are door prizes and they give us lunch. True we have to sit through a presentation by whoever is sponsoring the lunch, but I think that is the least we can do for a free meal.
The only thing I do not like is the seating. We are either in an auditorium with the old, old, old style wooden seats or we're in the cafeteria on round stools attached to tables. By lunch time my ass hurts! It's awful. My tail bone still aches. Friday was so bad that with two hours to go a bunch of us were standing up, just so we didn't have to sit on those seats.
Everyone I've met has been really, really nice. They're so grateful to have us here that it makes me excited to work there. Yes, I have tons of meetings, but really, who needs sleep?
The trip to Chicago was great for another reason. LMK picked up a "part-time" job. Really, it's more like a consulting job. He's officially a staff coach for US Soccer. It sounds more impressive than it is, but it's still really exciting. It could be up to a year or so before he's needed, but it's still an honor. He's thrilled and it will make a fabulous addition to his resume. Woohoo!