Yes, I'm still here. Hanging by a thread.

You know that graphic they show every first year teacher about the stages first year teachers go through? Well, I think I'm ahead of the game.

I hit Survival really quickly and I'm coasting at, what feels like, jet speed into Disillusionment. People keep throwing papers and meaningless testing at me. Things I "have to do" yet, we don't use for anything. I hate doing assessments just because everyone does them. Couldn't we get some more definite reasons why I have to give these tests?

Plus, I'm supposed to test kids during class. Uh, yeah, not gonna happen. I have one of the lower classes and they constant supervision. They're not bad, they just get into trouble when they're not perpetually busy.

Everyone is busy, so it's not just me. However, no one can seem to take a second to explain things to the new teachers. Just because you're familiar with how to give the Smith test, doesn't mean I am. Don't even get me started on W.ords Their W.ay. I think it's ridiculous to spend hours and hours planning for spelling when it's only 15 minutes (at best) of my reading block. I don't have time to piddle around with spelling.

Speaking of reading class, that one is keeping me up at night. Right now, I have a really good group. I have a mix. They're all below grade level so I chose a 3rd grade book to read as my reading instruction. It seems to be going well. They're comprehending and everything (who woulda thunk it?). That being said, Monday they're switching up my group. I'm getting anywhere from 5 to 10 new kids and sending a few up or down. I'm terrified I'm going to be stuck where the other new teacher is - with a "wild" group of kids and no curriculum because they're all so far below grade level. Add to that the fact that none of my kids qualify for Title I services so I can't get any help for my kids and I'm scared.

Luckily, I have a friend in the same boat. I'm so glad there are 2 new 4th grade teacher. I don't know what I'd do if everyone else had their shit completely together and I was the only one struggling. As I told my friend last night, I'm a great actor. I may act like I've got everything together, but on the inside, I'm drowning. All I'm trying to do right now is keep my head above water.

My house is a mess and we're hosting a party at the end of the month. Laundry is backed up. My car is mess. I've got piles and piles of papers to grade. I don't have time to cook therefore we eat junk and expensive junk at that. I bet I've gained weight since school began not lost it like my colleague. Have I mentioned money woes? I did exactly what I figured I would do. I got lax about keeping track of the money we spent and thus Quicken is out of date and I have no idea where our bank balance is currently teetering. If the rough numbers I put in tonight at right, we're in trouble for the next week and a half. Time to start cleaning out the freezer! I really should just stop eating. I'd be saving money AND losing weight. Two birds with one stone.

Pay also really bums me out. Between insurance, NEA dues, 403(b) withdrawls, and random taxes over half of my check is deducted. $1000 a month (give or take) sure seems like crappy pay.

Bottom line. I'm really missing my mom right now. She could be such a huge help to me in the classroom. LMK tries to help and he's a good guy to have around (Except when he says, "Well, you knew you'd be busy and have to put in a lot of time when you went into this career." Not helping, honey.).

I just feel so lost. So tired. So overwhelmed. So inferior.

How is your week going?